This is my third attempt at writing this entry. For the last month I have been feeling incredibly down, reflective and just damn right miserable. What started off as a regular reboot, prompted by the anniversary of my being here last year (and the comparisons that can be drawn), turned into a sad, sorry journey into the unknown, confronting old feelings that I never fully resolved.
This story is a sadd’ning bore…
Listen carefully, as this is the last time I will tell this little tale.
As you are probably all too aware of by now, last year I was given the opportunity to work in California. Initially I was there for three months, and that time was magical. I found myself surrounded by a bunch of incredibly talented and friendly individuals, and had my career sail into uncharted waters. I lived a totally stress free existence, with all food, bills, accommodation etc. paid for. At that time my motto was ‘go with the flow’, and for a while it seemed to be working. Yet it meant I never really took on board the reality of the situation.
So when I arrived back in the UK, I landed with a hefty bump, one which I haven’t been able to recover from since. I became incredibly miserable, and for reasons of distance and management (my own and others), increasingly shut of from my new colleagues. During this time, things at work went a little pear shaped, and by the time it came to returning to the States, it was touch and go as to whether I would make the move or not.
I of course did return to California, but with many fears of what to expect being back, for what was a more permanent basis. What I encountered was totally unforeseen, and unexpected. Relationships I had struck up during those three months had been totally turned on their head - no thanks to my frustrations over the summer being unfairly offloaded - and other fears seemed to be well founded too.
Things did get better towards the end of 2006, and when the time came to leave for the UK for a Christmas break, I couldn’t believe I had actually managed to survive those three months.
Much of this was as a result of deciding to focus my attention on work, allowing me to bury the emotional scars, and I started 2007 in a much more positive frame of mind. But towards the end of February, upon releasing the new Ning, that focus was allowed to drift, and I found myself confronting those old issues rising up from the grave.
It’s interesting that in my post about the new Ning, that Gareth congratulated me on putting aside past demons. I wish that was actually true, but if it wasn’t for some friendly advice, that post would still have been covered in many (long dried) blood stains. I found it incredibly difficult to get over past mistakes, frustrations and concerns, even though they had now been resolved.
…for I’ve told it ten times or more.
Which brings me onto a key personality trait I feel I need to change - my ‘attraction’ to the past. In fact this entire month has seen me unhappy, purely because I’ve dwelled on past situations and thoughts of what could have been.
I seem to enjoy retracing past steps, reliving old conversations in my head, whilst I let the present slide straight past me. Of course today is yesterdays tomorrow, and the only way to get out of a cycle of dwelling on bad mistakes is to learn from them, move on, and actually enjoy yourself.
So that is exactly what I plan on doing - if only because it’s the only option left on the table. But in order to do so, I need to make some changes.
The first of these, is no more posts on this blog that dwell on the past. No more of the keywords ‘opportunity’, ‘relationships’, ‘frustrations’ all of which thinly veiled attempts to avoid mentioning names or situations.
I know I’m flogging a dead horse here, and whilst everybody has heard the above story a million times, I keep telling it. No longer. It really is time to put these ghosts to rest.
Changes
Over the next few weeks, I want and need to start looking forward. I plan on providing a report on how well I’m achieving the goals I set out for this year. I also want to talk a little bit how I’ll be taking Lloydyweb and my online presence forward. If I want to be taken seriously as a professional, I need a less personally focused blog. Lloydyweb will still be around (and Ning powered), but it won’t be my public face online anymore.
Finally, I’ll be back in the UK next week, so kicks up the backside, slaps in the face, and any other suitable wake up calls will be much welcomed. It’s time to take control of this bizarre yet often annoying existence of mine, and start moulding it into something I can actually enjoy.
You may have noticed this post is slightly Bowie inspired. This is purely a result of watching the climax of Tuesday’s conclusion to Life on Mars. Shear brilliance!
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